By Bob Ferris
Lollipop Guild Sues Kardashian over Pirated Munchkin “Vocal Fry”
For Immediate Release
From their offices high above the Yellow Brick Road the leadership of the Lollipop Guild announced today the filing of a lawsuit against Kim Kardashian West for copying and adopting as her own their well-known vocal tremolos.
“Why it is clear, most sincerely clear, that her so-called “vocal fry” is simply a variation of our manner of speech,” said a Guild member. “We find it offensive and want it stopped.”
According to the legal documents the Guild has been following this issue for some time now and concerned not only that Ms. West has appropriated elements of their distinctive style of speech but also has encouraged others to follow her glottal contortions posing unnecessary risk to their vocal cords.
The Mayor of Munchkin City added, “We applaud the actions of the Guild as we feel that our national identity is being stolen from us and that her attempts to copy some of our beloved Munchkin costumes adds further insult to our rich history and culture.”
The Guild has stated that they are prepared to take this all the way to the Supreme Court, if necessary. The Guild is even willing to go to the Wizard of Oz himself, but that is of course a horse of a different color.
When asked for comment an intelligent but anonymous strawman representing Glinda the Good Witch said that she supported the action because the good people of Munchkinland had suffered so much at the hands of a certain "type" of person. Her fodder-filled spokesperson added that she was currently searching the sky for airborne domiciles that might solve the problem and avoid a costly trial and the associated stream of meaningless tweets.
When Pacific Islanders and Alaskan Natives are being displaced by climate change, how fundamentally important is it that Kim can balance a champagne glass on her posterior? When agricultural production drops and locales run out of water are those people thinking that their condition is somehow ameliorated because Ms. West made yet another least-intelligent or most-annoying celebrity list? And what about childhood autism rates, are they inconsequential because it is more important to know that Kim was banned from Vogue for acting like a three-year old with a new toy and taking selfies at the Met Gala?
Many incorrectly whine about the influence of the liberal press, but you have to wonder if that is really the case when what Kim was wearing to a certain event seems to get more press coverage than the underlying threat of extremism in the US or the need for some semblance of gun control as expressed by far too many artificially angry men with weapons they really should have never had. Since there are people who sit in rooms and decide our daily diet of news, one can only assume this is purposeful rather than random.
New York Times columnist Paul Krugman dissected the current confusion over Republican candidates and the public’s inability to differentiate between candidates who simply sound good and those who actually know what they are talking about. Although Dr. Krugman did not say it directly what he implied and what I will say directly is the country is being purposely “Kimmed.” Our capacity to think, care, and reason rationally is being displaced and smothered by stiletto-heeled and spandex-clad tripe. And the world is laughing at us between great gasping sobs of despair.
Society is often shaped by media that tell us what we should ask for. And right now they are telling us to ask for and be happy with the intellectual equivalent of a pet rock when we should be calling for and heaping praises on the best and brightest we can produce and trying to make more of the same. That is not to say that all media are doing this. I take heart, for instance, that recent movies like “The Theory of Everything” and “The Imitation Game” have celebrated the courage and contributions of smart people (even those who are physically challenged or gay), but it is really not enough to balance the passionate and repeated embracing of something extremely dissimilar to intelligence.
When I think of a lot of the above (not the Munchkin part) I think of Rome and its fall. There were a lot of reasons for the demise of that empire. The History Channel tried to distill the reasons for failure to eight with the wild-card of lead poisoning acting as number nine. When we look at our own current state, we see many of these conditions or functional surrogates like wealth inequity and the lack of living wages acting in a manner similar to an over-reliance on slave labor just as the lead issue could be replaced by a whole array of environmental contaminants from mercury to who-knows-what in fracking solutions. And perhaps we would recognize these dangers and our peril if we could only take a little time away from being so obsessed with pressing, global issues like how swollen Kim’s feet became during her pregnancy.
P.S. I have no personal grudge against Kim Kardashian West. I do not see her as evil or deserving of hatred, but she has allowed her transparent need for attention in the absence of achievement to be used as a giant and destructive force in this country that so desperately requires something entirely different.